Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
