I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
