you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im holly from the hills drunk
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
