We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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