I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
