it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this beer tastes like vomit already
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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