I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
