Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
