Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Send help, water and tortillas.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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