Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
