So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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