Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
