Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
