the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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