Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
