I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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