how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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