Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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