Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
