Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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