the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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