i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
