So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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