My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
