I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
