M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
