I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
