Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
