I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
