i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
