I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
