i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
be right there i have to get my cape
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize