I look better un-naked...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
