I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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