I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
