Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize