I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
