My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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