Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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