it hurts more in the daytime
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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