Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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