Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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