so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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