apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i would one night stand the shit outta him
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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