OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
