I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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