I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
