We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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