I am spending my child support on dildos
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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