That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
