She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
