i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
