don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
