Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we're so committed to being not committed
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
