I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
