Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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