her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
