there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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