Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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