8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
